I Struggle. . .

My home base church is Luctor Christian Reformed Church. It is nestled in the hills between Long Island and Prairie View, Kansas. It is peaceful there. I miss my home church especially this time of year. After having years of traditional hymns and advent celebration, I miss it. My heart longs for the organ and piano duets played by incredibly skilled sisters in Christ. And the singing. Oh, the singing. It's beautiful in that old church. I miss the smell. The atmosphere. I can close my eyes and almost place myself there. Luctor CRC has roots deep in a rich Dutch heritage. In fact, the name the founding fathers of the church gave, Luctor, means "I struggle." They struggled after the Dutch immigrants came to the United States to begin a new life. They struggled starting the church. The original church building burned down and they rebuilt it.

I struggle. Isn't that a simple sentence that we all are deeply familiar with? Certainly most of of reading this didn't move to a new country to start a new life and start a new church.

But, we struggle. I struggle.

I struggle. . . . with perfectionism. It oozes down into a septic leach field and into the ground in all areas of my life. Especially, to my family--to my children. They are little. Give them a break. Extend grace. How do I do that when I struggle. . . to give myself a break. . . to extend grace . . . to myself?

I struggle . . . with insecurity. It stains my soul. It impacts my interactions with others. It prevents me from really engaging in potentially great friendships. . . because I struggle. . . with what people will really think if the really knew me. This ties to my sense of belonging and community. Where do I fit. Who will love me for me?

I struggle. . . with guilt. This pervasive evil pierces my soul and has plagued me my entire life it seems. I'm talking about that toxic kind of guilt that is tied directly to perfectionism and insecurity. Guilty about my perfectionistic standards and how I respond to others because of it. Guilty about my insecurity and how I respond to others because it it.

I struggle. . . with anger. I was an angry kid. Went through great Christian counseling and thought I had overcome this foe. Then I had got married. And it's his fault! No it's not. It's mine. And I learned how to overcome. Then I had kids. And it's their fault! Not it's not. It's mine. And I struggle learning to reign it in and show lovingkindness and gentleness when I'm mad. And then guilt creeps in because this battle ensues and makes me even angrier. What a cycle to struggle with!

What I want is to be free from the struggle, from the yuck perfectionism, insecurity, guilt and anger produce inside of me. . . .

Luctor has a deep, rich heritage extending over one hundred years, and even richer heritage in it's doctrinal stance in the Heidelberg Catechism. I Struggle. The first question of the catechism responds to My Struggle. It goes like this:

1. Q: What is your only comfort in life and in death?

• That I am not my own but BELONG--body and soul, in life and in death--to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ.
• He has fully paid for my ALL my sins with his precious blood, and has set me FREE from the tyranny of the devil.
• He also WATCHES OVER ME in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head with out the will of my Father in heaven. In fact, all things must work together for my salvation.
• Because I BELONG to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me whole-heartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him. (emphasis mine).

I know Jesus' blood oozed on my behalf. I know that His blood stains lift the stains from my soul. I know that He was pierced for my transgressions and crushed for my iniquities. I know He Reigns so that sin can't reign in me. I know that Jesus' STRUGGLE supersedes my own struggle. But I STRUGGLE!

When I read this answer to that ultimate question, I feel comforted. I feel that sense of belonging. I feel free from all my sins. I feel taken care of held in the Sovereign hand of Almighty God. Temporarily because I forget quickly and need constant reminding. Because I struggle.

"I know that my Redeemer Live and that in the end he will stand upon the earth." Job 19:25